Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know

How does one become less insecure? Oh! I know!! Stop handing out my heart to any stupid guy that walks by!! That might help.

But that's easier said then done, now isn't it. Apparently you're not allowed to have hope that one day, one of those idiots will be your "Prince Charming". You're not allowed to believe that somewhere out there, there is a guy that is perfect for you and will need/want you as much as you do him.

Actually, I should cut out the want part. They all want me, they just don't need me. They want me cuz I can pretend that I'm really cool and fun, but as soon as we hit the sheets I become one of "those" girls. The one's that get all clingy and crazy when you casually walk away the next day, the type that actually believe every word you say and expect you to follow through on it.

The only thing with me is that I've been through it so much, that I expect it and quite often stubbornly refuse to let that happen to me. I've been blown off so many times by guys that don't have the balls to even say it didn't work out for them, that I will poke and prode to try to get a response out of them. Which of course only makes things worse. All I want is for them to grow some balls and let me know that it's over...

Creative Conflict

You would think that being depressed or recently dumped would be outrageously good for my poetry writing, yet I have written hardly anything in a year or two. Which is funny considering I keep saying that I am in need of a creative outlet to help me deal with my emotions. My problem is I don't feel like doing anything. It's even a lot of effort just to write a blog. I can think up stuff in my head and go, "I should really go blog this!" but I don't want to go to the computer and type it out, or I'm in the car or at work and just can't at that time. Yet everything else that I used to do as a creative outlet, I find uninteresting or requires too much effort.

The majority of people who are depressed don't feel that they can do anything because they are worthless and such, I don't want to do anything because it requires moving and thought. Does that make me just lazy? I've been so depressed some days that all I want to do is sleep because it requires less effort and I don't have to think about anything, my sub-conscience does it all for me. I just don't want to think some days.

Maybe because it's thinking that gets me into this trouble in the first place. I think too much. I over-analyze just about everything. I always have to think of the different out comes that this choice could have, or what if this happens, or what if I had done this differently. My brain is filled with what-ifs from pathways that I never will follow, just in case. And knowing how things could have been had everything been "perfect" makes me sad...

To Buy a New or Move an Old

TV that is. I have a perfectly good TV at home. A 28" I do believe, that i got a few years ago when I worked at Walmart, and it works great, it's nothing fancy though, it doesn't have picture in picture, or HD, but it works, and that's good enough for me. Except it's bulky and heavy, and there is no way I can lift it alone, so moving it out here in my car is out of the question. So I either have to wait till I have enough room and can convince my dad to come down with a load of crap in the Van, or I could buy a new TV, preferebbly something lighter (ie: Skinnier). There are a few decent sized one's that I could get for under or around $600, but do I want to fork out the cash for a shiny new LCD flat screen TV?

Confessions of a Crazy Girl

I don't like to do hook-up's. I suck at them. I can't remain emotionally detatched, and there for always do get attatched, and then never know how to act the next morning. "Did he not enjoy himself? Is that why he seems more distant today?" "If I play it too cool, will he think that I didn't enjoy myself?" "If I act too cuddly and happy will he think I'm like that psyco clingy chick from The Wedding Crashers?"

Then there's having to deal with the ride home. You can usually fake some chit chat while in the car, but how do you say goodbye? Should you kiss, hug, say "Thanks, I'll see ya later!"

The whole thing is just far too stressful for me. Especially if it's a guy that you do like, but you don't entirly know what the situation is. A guy that you know you'd get along great with cuz you totally dig his sarcastic side, and can act totally retarded around because he's gonna act the same way. Someone who you've known for awhile, and you've been flirting up a storm for the past few weeks, but don't know very much about them as a person. Then there's the whole paranoia issue: Dude!! This guy you used to have a thing for is now chasing you like mad. Is this some kind of very cruel joke? He has the same freinds as your ex, there must be something fishy about it. And if there isn't, you're so gonna screw this up somehow. Cuz that's what I do. I fuck things up by being over analiytical, or super clingy...

World on a String...?

Isn't it funny how the ones that people admire most, the ones people think must have the world on a string, are the most fucked up?

Most of my life, I've heard how pretty I am, how smart I am, that I would make a great catch. Yet I have yet to find someone who acts upon that. Here I am, 29, pretty, funny, smart, single, and supposed to be having the time of my life. And all I want is for things to be simple and laid out for me, to be happily married with little children, have a cute little house, and to know that everything is going to be dandy. I was so born like, 30 years too late. I know I would be in my hay day if things were as they had been in the 50's.

But now, at the supposed "peak of my life", I am surrounded by loving friends and family, I feel so utterly alone and isolated. And I don't know why. I don't think myself as unworthy. I know I have the love and support of many, but still that does not seem to comfort me. Even on such a nice day as today, when my caring Uncle helped my sister and I move some of her boxes into storage, so that I can have more space in my new place, something that I've desired greatly, I am so utterly low.

Who knows. Maybe I'm just tired, or hungry, or lacking in some vitamin or another. Or maybe it was watching the great love scenes, on The Tudors. even watching the religious turmoils on The Tudors has me upset, and I totally agree with the direction that the king took, in moving away from the greediness and corruption of the Roman Church during that era. Almost makes me wish I was religious in some way. Which is just absurd.

Although there have been a few times when I have inwardly cried out to someone, something, to ask why I feel as I do, why I feel so unloved, when I know full well that there are many that love me dearly. I feel like my whole life i have been promised love, but have never truly received it. I totally blame Hollywood for making Love seem so glamorous and wonderful, when really it can be truly cruel and painful. And making it seem as though love is "The One" and "Forever" when love can be fleeting and temporary. That one day a prince will come and sweep you off your feet and carry you to his castle.

Is it wrong to want to be a simple house wife? Is it even more wrong to want to be a 50's house wife because of the cool outfits? :)

Is it wrong to just want someone to except me for who and how I am? To want someone to put their arms around me and make me feel safe, wanted, loved, and protected?

Is it wrong to not want to feel like your heart is broken almost every day?

And I do realize that I have expressed these feelings before, and I know that there is nothing anyone can do for me to make me feel better. I am just being suffocated by these feelings right now, and feel the need to express them to someone, anyone, yet no one in particular, as I do not feel the need to burden anyone with my melancholy mood swing...